Friday, August 8, 2008

Mash Note to John Edwards

Dear John,

You're so dreamy!

You have always been a heartthrob just waiting to burst. Never mind that wife and those kids. Hey, they even made you sexier! And all that talk about family...HOT!!!

Heaven knows, you deserved a little outside recreation while your wife battles incurable cancer. Hey, I know a little something about watching a beautiful, elegant woman fighting to extend her life with treatments devised in hell by the Marquis de Sade. I watched helplessly while my mother underwent such horrors. What a downer that must be on the libido! Who can blame you for acknowledging your inner hound, and betraying your wife by gettin' some on the side? After all, you were voted the sexiest politician of 2000 by People magazine! It was practically your Civic Duty to prove them correct, and cheat on your wife.

Nobody in their right mind would expect you to keep it in your pants while your wife underwent chemo, radiation, or whatever other nasty things they did to her to try to keep her alive a little longer. Hey, those treatments are icky!

And please know that there are many of us out here who will refuse to listen when people call you a cad, a sleaze, a slime-bucket, and/or a douche. At least you've finally revealed an explanation for those $400 haircuts: you wanted to look good for your mistress!

Actually, "mistress" is probably the wrong word. From what I understand, this lucky gal was sleeping with so many guys at the same time that the paternity of her child is in question. I guess I should call her your "slut." Except that's not really exact, is it? I also understand that this woman was highly overpaid to produce videos for your campaign. Since she was receiving money for services rendered, I'm sure we would all agree that she was not your "mistress," nor your "slut." She was your whore. And I for one am not bothered by the fact that you were screwing her while your wife was busy barfing up her insides due to her cancer treatments. As I already said, what a downer that must have been for you!

John, I can't really argue with people who might label you a liar, an adulterer, and a hypocrite. I've just checked my dictionary, and you are all those things. But you are also a hero. You've proven to the world that Democrats can lead lives just as shameful as Republicans. And you've also proven that inside any man who mouths off repeatedly about the importance of duty, family, and integrity, there is a shithead prick dying to get out.

Call me.